A weekend of mixed emotions

Wow. What a weekend that was. And not completely for positive reasons.

So this doesn’t get confusing, I have two best friends. One (Lo) I have known since I was 5, went all through school together and at the grand old age of 31 we’re still friends (maybe not as close as we once were but I digress). The other, is my godmother’s daughter. Thrown together by the close proximity of our homes and our mum’s friendship, we became pen-pals as early teens and developed a friendship of our own as we got older.

On Friday, Lo’s dad passed away. He’d been ill with lung cancer, so whilst it was expected, it was still an awful piece of news to receive. You instantly feel for the family and your love for them, wanting to help them cope and wondering what to say. At just 31, my thought was that we shouldn’t have to taking part in these life changing moments just yet, we’re too young, and our parents are too young. Of course, then you think about your own family and how you want to wrap them up in the cotton wool, never to leave you. The human mind and emotions it feels is a funny old thing.

Saturday evening was spent with Lo’s family. It was an evening of tears, sometimes sobs, chocked words and then some laughter, peace and positive words.  Her mum said repeatedly, “We’ll be OK, I’ve got the best kids you could ask for.” So accurate and true. The four of them, aged 31-18, seemed more adults then a group of 60 year olds. They have their roles defined by the person they are, their age in the group and the way they deal with emotion and the unbelievable grief they must be feeling.

On Sunday, my phone rang at 10:30am. It was La. My initial thought was, it’s too early on a Sunday and she’s probably called me by mistake, so I ignored and went back to sleep. When she rang again at 11am, I wondered if something was wrong. Forgive me, but given the news I had received two days earlier, I thought the worst. La said she had something to ask me “Will you be my bridesmaid?” Even in my half asleep state, this registered in mind as THE BEST NEWS EVER, she was engaged! I screamed and then teared up a little bit and then screamed again. I’ve never been a bridesmaid. Or a bride for that matter. My instant thought was how long have I got to lose some weight. Then a bit of anxiety. Will I have to do a speech? Will I have to organise a hen do? When will it be?

During my pub crawl on Sunday I hovered between hysterical crying and hysterical crying, both of utter sadness and utter happiness. The amount I drank probably didn’t help, but in my mind I needed to block out both emotions. I didn’t want to feel the pain surrounding death, the selfishness I felt of feeling I was lucky it wasn’t my parents and the utter helplessness I felt for my friend. I also didn’t want to feel the delight of my friend’s impending nuptials, being a bridesmaid or the selfishness of wondering when I would be getting married and why my boyfriend hadn’t proposed to me.

Needless to say I spent most of Monday hungover, with the worst case of alcohol anxiety ever for feeling those feels. I suppose my point of writing this post is because I can’t share these feelings out loud with people I know without sounding like a spoilt, emotional child.


Power of song

Music unfortunately defines many aspects of my life, as I’m sure it does for many people. Hearing the opening bars to certain songs instantly take me back to where I may have heard that song for the first time, a holiday gone, singing (badly) on karaoke or to a place I’d rather forget.

I have found the past couple of days that I have been waking up hearing and singing my granddad’s funeral song in  my head. He died 14 years ago, too young and thus missing too many milestones in our family’s life since. I often find when I’m on holiday or in the car alone, one of these songs plays on the radio. I like to think it’s their way of saying “hi, I’m here and you’re ok.” Had to play it whilst sitting in the office to try and shrug it off my consciousness. Thankfully I have quite a heavy head cold, so could pass off the watery eyes as a reaction to a sneezing fit.

I have a whole bunch of songs on my ipod I have to skip, as they take me back to a very messy break up I went through 5 years ago. At the time they were what I considered my power songs. Now, they remind me of a girl I used to know (hint hint) and as much as I’m inn such a better place now, I don’t want to be reminded of that time. Much the same as the thoughts evoked by white wine.

Of course, its not just bad moments that music reignites. I danced as a kid and a lot of songs, normally old ones, take me back to the lessons, the friends I had then, the exams and the competitions.

Does anyone else have  these sorts of experiences with music? Be interesting to know if its just me that blubs into my desk or steering wheel 🙂

Food and things

So not only am I a bit obsessed with holidays and travelling, I also love food and contribute to TripAdvisor. Have a look at my latest review of Red’s True Barbecue from Friday evening.

Trip Advisor was what started me thinking about writing a blog really, as I’ve been spending time updating my profile on there and thought I should put the words to more use.

So last night I went to The Marketers Forum for a taster lesson in a CIM Marketing course. It was great and I really want to do it. I need to check a few things, whether work will fund it, whether I can afford to fund it, whether I should do the certificate or diploma etc, so lots to think about!

Off to Massala Zone this afternoon for our work team awards. So expect another review ;0)

Take two!

So I tried to start this blog back in January, but never got around to publishing the first entry – see below:

This is something I’ve been toying with starting for a long time, so being a new year and having just returned from Amsterdam, I thought now would be the best time to write my travel diary or blog as it might be. Yes, yes another travel blog I hear you say, I won’t pretend this is going to be something that will break the internet (although my backside is probably the size of Kim’s derriere after discovering Heiniken beer) but I like/hope to think it’ll be an interesting read.

I suppose the purpose of this blog is predominately travel, but also a way to express myself through words and get some stuff down on paper, but without using a traditional diary. The last proper “Dear Diary” I had was in 1999, a cheap orange notebook from Asda that I intended to bury in the garden. It didn’t get to become a time capsule, as my very jealous and somewhat strange boyfriend at the time stole it from me. It probably ended up in a bin somewhere, so you can see why I have gone for the 21st century version.

So far today, I’ve been in a pretty good mood. The drive to work was quick due to the lack of cars – is everyone in Spain/Greece/somewhere warmer than London? So Emotional by Whitney was on the radio *queue singing and dancing in my seat*. Works been a massive pain in the backside. The server is down again. Emails are intermittent. I can’t really be bothered to do much if I’m honest. I have a lot of holiday admin, which would be a much better use of my time right now. So much so, here’s my need list from Boots:

Hair bands. Suntan lotion. Aftersun. Shampoo & conditioner. Painkillers. A sponge. Rehydration medication. Deet spray. A topsy turve tool. Shower gel.

Clothes is another thing entirely. I think I know what I’m taking, it’s just a matter of making sure its clean, ironed, within easy reach and fits. Had a mild panic earlier about not having tried on my bikinis. I feel like I’ve put on weight, but not sure if it’s enough to warrant the bikinis not fitting??

Did I mention my holiday? I’m going to Montego Bay, Jamaica in September. If you have any tips, I will welcome them! I’m so excited, first proper holiday in nearly two years. I don’t count city breaks or the disaster that was Malta last year (I’m sure that’ll come up again at some point) so I am practically already on the plane!


Anyway over and out for today